it's been a minute...

hi.

this blog business is hard to keep up with!! actually, i haven't been feeling too up to snuff, lately. pretty much after my last entry, i had the worst falling out with my best friend in the whole entire universe. i would lay down my life for this girl. but yea, the worst falling out, i think, that u could ever have with ur bff is when u grow apart. when there are no more words, no calls, no hanging out, no seeing each other, no speaking...FOR MONTHS!! yea, months of no communication whatsoever. and the killer thing is that she lives 5 minutes from me. like what kinda shite is that??

if u fight with ur friend, if u guys break up bc u end up hating each other, whatever the situation, u agreed to let each other go--> at least u got closure, u had reasons--u had it out. but when there's distance and silence, it's jus painful to be neglected, u start to develop doubts about urself and ur worth in ur friendship. it sucks bc u feel like such a pathetic child dependent on its mother and like some damn lost puppy.

i mean there were reasons, i don't like them, but i think it's pretty universal and it happens. it used to be jus the 2 of us, we've known each other since we were 7-8 (she's a yr older), but we didn't click til going to the same high school, we did nails together, the weekends were our play days, we called each other for random reasons (ok, that's jus me), we didn't do the whole 3-24 hr convo on the phone, bc we saw each other enough. we went thru all sorts of issues together and a bunch of firsts. i got a boyfriend, but i still spent time with her as i normally do. then she got a boyfriend, and he jus gradually replaced me. and it hurts. it's been 4 yrs since they've been together, and i think i've been officially replaced. we've never fought before, and when we eventually did fight the few times, it was bc i brought it up and it hurt her (and me) and i jus couldn't find the heart to persue it (and her) anymore. she kinda doesn't have much to say on it either. we're on different paths and completely different schedules now too. i'm not that naive to think she'll be with me like in the good ol' days but i didn't think that i'll ever stop feeling like a best friend. which sucks butt like no other!!! we're both very independent!! we are so alike in so many ways, we are like sisters from different mothers, and like an old married couple, we look like each other!! lol. so it's really sad. u kno, it's kinda like i'm the girlfriend and she's the distant, non-communicative boyfriend, and i was beginning to nag, and i don't want to. funny thing is, i'm the boy in my relationships and she's the girl in hers. how did that happen?? boys can't get enough of me, hahahahaaa.

but i've learned to let go and let things take its course, but it jus sucks butt bc the feeling jus gets so damn worse!!! i think in a way, it was bc i used to give so much in my relationships (friends/family/lovers), then i got burned and i became mistrustful. if a relationship doesn't benefit me in any way or that i would gain very little or lose a lot, i don't encourage or put much effort into it (i'm nice about it tho, ^_~), harsh and cynical, isn't it?? i've become a very paranoid person. i'm more outgoing and all and make friends easily now, but i have to put it all on a scale and weigh the pros and cons out, crazy, eh?? well, she was the person i thought who was my equal and the person i knew would always have my back in all things, and come to my rescue when i try to save myself, but ended up with a deflated life jacket--i call her. but it's not like that anymore. i've been put on the back burner so many times for the boy, for other friends, and so many other excuses (a few i found out were lies, broke my heart that she lied to me).

but anywho, i think i'm suffering from the second biggest heartbreak of my life. i'll recover, but it's going to take this one a few years too, i'm thinking. ugh.

in other notes, i'm officially jobless. the first time i've been unemployed since i was 17. all bc i transferred to another university. it's also the first time i've ever been away from home. first apartment. first time worrying like shit over bills beside my credit card. did i mention i'm jobless?? but my parents are being very generous, even tho they fought tooth and nail for me to stayed chained in the basement (no tower for this damsel in distress, i'm princess charming). yup. transferred on impulse. applied in july. accepted and tranferred in august. and here i am. in the middle of fucking no where knowing fucking no one. what the fuck was i thinking??? but what's done is done, and i'll do it all over again. this birdie wants to grow up as an airplane corporation. lol. goodness knows, i'm homesick as hell, mix cabinfever with that, and a dash of brokeass-ness, this jus sucks butt. but it's only the beginning, once i adjust (i don't think i ever will, but all the same), i think this is the adventure i was looking for. and no i ain't going to get all apeshit crazy--ppl quit thinking i will!! i'm jus going to do a bit of experimenting and sampling...lol!!!

i think the whole blog kinda counts for one several issues.

DEE'S LIL L<3ve--> the peace and quiet u could find no where else but in ur own place. besides all the sickness i have, i really do appreciate my privacy now, this is like the ultimate no interruptions.

isn't it crazy i can't come up with a better love?? but it was what i was jus thinking at the moment. would really like to go home this weekend, but i gots some school activities to do...boo. dyed my hair for the first time ever by myself, and afraid like shit that i'll end up with spots. normally i go to my lady of 2 years, but she's back home, and i jus can't find the time to go back, and damn roots were 3 inches (my hair grows extra fast). i was going for a medium mahogany brown, but this shit came out a very dark brown, almost black!! it looks like my natural hair color but too damn dark!! well, i guess i don't have to worry about dying my hair any more, altho i wanted to experiment some more...o well.

but i'm tired now. dude, can't i ever write short posts everyday or something?? maybe i'll get into the swing (better than hang) of things. laterz.